So many idiots, so little time

"It used to be a lot faster before you recovered that file I deleted."

Oh, you used to be a programmer? What language?
DOS

From my mother: IT'S NOT TURNING ON NOW BECAUSE YOU DOWNLOADED WHATEVER THAT FIREFOX THING IS.

"So here's how you can prevent this from happening in the future."
"Don't give me technical mumbo jumbo, just fix it."

We usually have two computers in the business center for guests to use. well, one is out of commission because it broke. Guests killed it.
She comes to the desk and said she couldn't get it to work. I frown and say "Well, it is just a monitor. There isn't a computer actually attached." "But there is a monitor."
"yeah...but unless you hook it up to a PC of your own, that monitor is not the PC."
I must be the idiot because she started arguing about it from the beginning.

Reaching over my shoulder and pressing the power button, while I was mid way through a registry edit and saying... "do you think rebooting it will help."

"Ever since you fixed that paper jam my computer has been running slower."

The Hover Effect
"Well it's not happening now. What did you do?"
"I stood here. You paid attention to what you were doing this time. Therefore, you didn't fuck it up. You're welcome."

Recently, this happened.
IT Manager: The .com site is slow.
Sysadmin: Is the entire thing slow or one of the webapps or what?
IT Manager: Can you just spin up some VM's to make it faster?
Our answer to every problem is now "Just spin up some VM's"

Dad: I need to put some files on my thumb drive.
Me: Ok, remember how we did that last time?
Dad: No.
Me: Ok, what files?
Dad: Pictures.
Me: OK, open your pictures folder, highlight the ones you want and press Ctrl+C.
...
Me: Are you doing that?
Dad: No. I'm in control panel.
Me: Who told you to go to control panel?
Dad: I thought it might help.

My boss calls everything from our website to our printers "database". We do in fact have a document database which we use so every time there she has an issue I have no idea what she is talking about. "I can't connect to the database" = Can't Print. "The database crashed, were we hacked" = Computer unplugged.

People at my company that refer to everything as "The Server."
"Is the server down?" = My screen resolution set to 800x600
"Is the server up?" = I have somehow erased my hard drive
"Could you put it on the server?" = Why isn't the file magically appearing on my desktop .

"I was working on this word document for 2 hours and I closed it, it asked me to save and I said no. Get it back"

Blaming an error on you, when it happens months later, and is completely unrelated to any work you did. Especially if its a hardware failure when you fixed software problems. Just imagine that with any other technical industry. Have a friend who is an electrician come to your house for free, install an outlet, for free, and next year a lightbulb in the other side of your house burns out, so you call him up and say it is probably his fault, and guilt him into replacing it.

4th attempt to get someone into Safe Mode to circumvent a virus they swear they didn't do anything to get. "Ok, if it didn't work yet then there's something that's just not being done right. Are you tapping the F# key quickly?"
"No, I've been holding it down, doesn't that do the same thing?"
"No...holding the button down does not do the same thing. I'm going to be very specific from now on and if you have any questions PLEASE ask me what I mean."
"Are you trying to be condescending?"
"No, I'm not trying to be condescending but your past actions have made this necessary"
"Can I speak to your manager?"
"Sure, he's been laughing over my shoulder for the last 10 minutes, I'll just hand him the headset..."

As a kid, my mom would play this online card game. I would play little cartoon games, like whinnie the pooh, and junk like that. Anyway, one day I come home and all my games are deleted, I was mortified. I asked my mom what happened and she told me, "they were making the computer run slower." about 2 or 3 years later I realized that she would download and reinstall her stupid card game every single time she wanted to play it.

"Where's all my stuff?" After reloading her OS and having:
1. Explained at length how EVERYTHING WOULD BE GONE.
2. Offered her a data transfer.
3. Read her the wipe/reload paperwork OUT LOUD.
4. Had her sign the papers that said, "EVERYTHING WILL BE GONE."
5. Told her that her computer would only have the things on it that it had when it was brand new.

The other day, I was informed that I needed to make sure that the server was up, and it was to be a priority because the customer did not have an operating system.

Derp: I don't see that icon. There is no icon called Network Connections!
Me: Sir, starting at the top can you read me the name of each icon?
Derp: Why? I told you there it's not there.
Me: Humor me.
Derp: .........Keyboard...Mouse...Netw...That wasn't there a second ago!

"It's not a problem with my computer. It's that the screen keeps turning blue."

End User: "I had a Word document on my C: Drive that I've been working on for the past week. I accidentally deleted it & emptied the recycle bin. I need the file for a meeting I have in 20 minutes. Get it back."
Me: "I'm sorry, but there's really no way for us to recover that file."
End User: "But I thought you said the servers were backed up nightly. Go to one of the backups and get it back."
Me: "That's true, but you didn't save it to the server. You saved it locally."
End User: "Well, yeah! I needed it on the C: Drive in case I needed to work on it from home."
Me: "But... you have a desktop PC, not a laptop. How do you work on it from home?"
End User: Getting very antagonistic "What do you mean 'How'!? I e-mail it to myself, work on it on my home computer, and then e-mail it back!"
Me: Still keeping calm and professional "And you did this last night?"
End User: Makes exasperated noise "YES!"
Me: Very happy because I realize that I can help the person after all "Great! Then there should be a copy of the file in your inbox. You can just re-download the attachment you sent yourself last night."
End User: "You mean I have to do it myself? Fine! God forbid you IT guys actually do anything useful. I don't know why we even pay you!" Slams the phone down to hang up

Doing tech support at an ISP, person said "My computer won't turn on, your internet is broken" I asked them to check the back of the computer to see if the plug was in, they replied "I can't see the back of the computer, its dark in here" I said "Well turn on the light then." Reply "Well... the power is out."

Hackers use notepad!"
-- My IT director right after removing the start menu shortcut to Notepad from everyone's computer. (but he left the executable)

HIM: "Okay, found it.... deleting it now... it says it's going to take about 45 minutes."
ME: "45 minutes? That seems kind of long... wait, what exactly are you deleting?"
HIM: "ummm... 'cee colon backslash windows.'"
ME: "Shit. CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL. I did not tell you to do that."

Mom: Some of my keys on the keyboard are sticking. Can you ask your boyfriend to reprogram it for me?
Me: No, Mom, that's not how that works. That sounds like a hardware problem.
Mom: You're not the computer engineer!

I was running a chkdsk /r on a PC for someone who was out on vacation. I step out for a few minutes to work on another nearby PC. I come back to that office and some lady was sitting in the chair trying to use the computer. I didn't know who this lady was, but she told me, "There were a lot of words and stuff on the screen so I turned the computer off." In the middle of a chkdsk /r, on a computer that wasn't her's.

My mother. Her computer crashed one day (presumably due to all the stress). She completely wiped the hard drive then decided to buy a new computer because she likes new things.
Next day:
Mom: "I can't find any of my files on my new computer."
Me: "Well, you didn't do a data transfer."
Mom: "But I put the old one in the new computer! It's sitting right there on the bottom!"
At this point, she opens the case and shows me the old drive just chillin' on the bottom panel. After I explain how that doesn't do anything, this happens:
Mom: "Well, I've got some copper wire in the office somewhere. You can attach the new one to the old one."
Me: "That...won't work."
Mom: "YES IT WILL YOU'RE JUST LAZY."

Where are your files?
In Word
Okay but where are they?
In WORD!
But in what folder are they in, My Documents?
NO THEY'RE IN WORD DAMMIT.

That if you get the destination address slightly wrong on an email, someone, like an electronic postman i guess, will know what you mean. My mum had been giving out her email, adding "or something like that"

Me: "Show me exactly how you caused the problem to occur."
Them: "Why can't you do it? You're the computer expert."

"I know you folks at Best Buy are always trying to confuse people like me. I don't want to hear any bullcrap, just show me where the discs of internet are."
"Discs... Ma'am I don't quite understand, do you already have a provider? or..."
"CUT THE BULLSH*T, just show me where I can get a disc of internet!"
"In the aisle next to car stereos ma'am."

"So here's how you can prevent this from happening in the future." "Don't give me technical mumbo jumbo, just fix it."